August 28, 2007


Everyone has multiple personalities.

One must live with others in order to survive
Whether they be in themselves,
Whether they be others,
One must survive with others to live.

Just felt like writing that little verse cause I feel like a little bit like a poet. Recently. Read my ex's poem just the other night, man o man. Awesome. I loved it so much I'm gonna go grab it and post it here

untitled, 14 April 2007
'I despise you'
Would make you cry,
Beg, plead, deny
So you do not truly hear
So I tell it with a lie
Leaving your doubts and reason
To make you aware
I despise you.

personally, It makes me feel like.... like.... i dunno. Makes me feel like i don't know!!! MMmmm feel that hate.

Poems are to be
Inscribed with a quill of Hot Passion,
Ink of a destroyed heart,
On a paper drowned in sorrowful tears.

August 27, 2007

Dear diary

It's currently 436 and the coffee effect is wearing off. I'm waiting for the sunrise before i go KABLUNK onto the bed and sleep till threeeeeee! or maybe sooner, cause it'll make me look fat and ugly.Cheers

August 26, 2007

This is me

Well... first time posting three times in one day but twice really cause i slept lol.
If i were to get a tattoo anywhere on my body it'll be this
and i'd get it on my left arm under the shoulder joint.
What does it mean? Whatever you want it to mean. Doesn't have any specific association attached to it. Except it has a lot of curves and points.

For eyes only

*hums the tune "for british eyes only"*
Yea. There are something that you can never tell some one, and there are many a more you can. whether it be damaging or not. For me, the ratio of the two are outrageously disproportional. I'm as straight as an arrow when it comes to that department. But. Which sends me to a corner when I can't tell the truth. That's when I get scared.

I just can't do it. It's just.... too much for me to bear the consequences. Either that, or destruction of something peaceful. All I will be able to do, is put it to one side and let it fester in my for a while, I seem to be pretty good at isolating thoughts in my mind. I'll cope.

The truth can be harmful, it could be soothing. It's usually harmful however. That's why most people can't handle the truth.

Damn taggin, I hate you VON VON!

1. My ex is : currently hating me
2. I am listening to: Random newgrounds music
4. I love : when someone understands me
5. My best friend : probably will never understand me
6. I don't understand : why people can be so stupid
7. I lose : all control over what i say too often
8. People say : I'm too loud
9. The meaning of my screen name is : A deep triple layered cheese cake
10. Love is : unobtainable as of now
11. I will always : reach for something that's not within my grasp
12. Forever : I will long to improve myself
13. I never want to : not love again
14. My cellphone is : being a slut
15. When I wake up in the morning : i wonder if today will be any more different
16. I get annoyed at : people who don't deserve to exist
17. Parties are : fun, but i prefer quiet ones
18. My dog is : dead
19. Kisses are worst when : it's someone you can never love
20. Today I am : just a little bit deep
21. Tonight I will : cry myself to sleep just a lil on the inside
22. Tomorrow I will : cry myself awake just a lil bit more on the inside
23. I really want : find someone that isn't....
24. When I looked at myself in the mirror today I : looked hawt
25. I will drive my car : when i need to
26. A word that rhymes with park is : bark
27. Bright or dark room? : dark cause electricity bill costs too much
28. If I'm alone in a room with two beds I : will probably leave it and do something
29. I chose to tag : Nobody

August 24, 2007


Really. I really just can't be fucked this final term. I've just about given up anyway. Presenting thyself has becometh such a taskith! With no fruits of labor why bother. Like harvesting fruitless trees for fruit. Talking to a brick wall. Dancing with a manikin. Kicking an oversized rock only to see it not budge.

sometimes wish there was a button on this display screen labeled "rage quit" at least i can press it and just fall to the ground.

August 23, 2007


Well.. just decided instead of sharing my infinite wisdom today, I'll pretty up the place :D That's kewl huh? Well.. I sure am loving green these days, with a blend of yellow yay! Upgrade my What if page as well, now it has nice leaves flowing through it. Except the outside border is a lil bit gay. Will definitely try to patch that up so it'll look nice and flush. LOVING THE LEAVES. Nice little patch of grass as well. A general relaxing mood is achieved? Well I'm relaxed just watching the leaves.

Other than that, I think this thing on the left side here rules!! Well done on my end. CSS programming was a lil harder than making the actual image :D I'm getting better at expressing me :D

August 22, 2007

Crouching tiger! Hidden meaning!

A general mood is set, a dark place. Somewhere foreign and unfamiliar. A knife you find, something that everyone can do, hurt. Wavering around in the darkness slicing away. An object is struck. No other but another person's heart, it pulls away so it does not hurt anymore. But there is no blood on your knife. A pulsing sensation comes across your hands. Blood on your hands, YOUR WORK! Guilt engulfs you up till your heart. That's how guilty you feel. But it doesn't matter, the blood continues to run but you are soon casted into the shadow and labeled forbidden to ever enter this place - someone else's embrace.

It's about everyone in general and how much pain they can cause someone. Enough pain to shut them out for a considerable amount of time, enough to shun them into the dark corner.

"What have we all done?"

August 21, 2007

Paint me a picture

Okay! Here we go
Picture a man, standing in the middle of pitch black. He's standing in the middle of nowhere, surrounded in total complete darkness. However, he can see himself. He checks his pockets and finds a knife, he waves it around, literally stabbing in the darkness... Suddenly, he stabs something... The victim jumps and cowers away. The tugging by the victim twists the knife and it is pulled out... Curious, the man looked at his metal knife. Nothing. Clearly he should see blood, but he does not.

As he looks around to see if he could find his victim. He shouts out his apology, but no voice can be heard from him. He strains himself and continues to scream his remorse. He is silenced. His left hand begins to pulse unnaturally. A slimy feeling comes across his hand. He pulled it up towards his face, a heart, still beating with a knife wound. It jets out blood pulse by pulse. "What is it?" the man questions himself. "Did I.... do this? What have I done?" The blood on his hands stretches onto his arm, then towards his shoulder, then to his chest. He unbuttons his shirt to see streaks of blood crawling across his body. "What is this!!?" The red stain vanishes from his skin. Scared, the man checked his hand, nothing. The wounded heart disappeared.

"Was that a dream?" A voice says softly. "Who's there!!?" silence. There was no response. For a while, the man panicked and his heart starts to race. Paranoia sets in, his pupils dilate, hair on his neck stood up like a marching army. A drop of water is heard. Then quickly followed by another. The pace of the water speeds up. The man walks towards the sound. Silence again. He looks at where he stands. His whole body starts to flicker like a broken light bulb.

"What have I done?"
Send in what you think it's all about.

August 20, 2007


Once in our lifetimes, we come across someone that is completely right for us. By chance, completely and utterly right for us. What separates us all is whether you grab it and hold onto it or not.
-Something good that happened accidentally.
After watching the movie, I almost cried. Such a romantic movie. Would've really got pissed off if they never did find each other though, I would have hated that movie completely. Good thing is... they found each other in the end, totally by coincidence.

If you sense that you have someone that is so special to you, totally, completely, utterly good for you. You should grab it and hold on tight.
Never let it go~~

August 19, 2007

Feelings we once had

Feelings... whether they are good or bad you should treasure them. Get what i mean? Good feelings to aim for, and bad feelings to reflect upon. But you must never forget that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you have more bad feelings than good, you may waver from the light.

Engulfed by darkness your heart shall grow heavy
Until you are no more
Swallowed whole by the pain
Swallowed whole by the sorrow
Swallowed whole
For a life time.

Beyond the pain and sorrow, there is no more but happiness.

- A verse from the heart.

August 17, 2007

The future me....

I know I know... as you begin to read this... you might think that this is another one of my random "what if" posts that i have in the other blog. But this one's a little bit more personal. Oh no~ don't you turn away from me!! It's not one of those "oh man... I'm gonna grow old and die" emotional posts slash hate slash bitching rant.

Walking home at night watching the stars shine and glitter in the night sky... I stopped for a while and ponder what they are going to be like in the next few years... are they gonna be remembered? are they going to still exist? Who knows...

I began to look into my own inner star (ha ha, i know cliche) What am I gonna be like in the next few years? or even ten years from now? Will... The Pan (what I am! Total self confidence there) no longer be The Pan? Or will The Pan change into a different type of The Pan? (totally overkill) With the current projections I could only get more wild, more opinionated, and funnier. Maybe a little smarter, havn't exactly been hitting the books now... oh wait. Hitting books hurts my head... they give me bruises *smack on the book with head*

The other question also arises, do I want to change in the next ten years? The answer to my question I searched for about 0.5 seconds. The answer is NO! and then followed 2 seconds later with a maybe... then another NO! then maybe.... and then.... maybe again. Cause i'm not exactly Mr. Awesum dood guy yet. So.... I'll work towards that.

You should all take time and think about your life so far... See how you can see yourself in the future.

August 16, 2007

Being the cool guy!

Know what? never was really the cool dude in school. In fact, I despised people who were cool. One day... I learnt that the cool guy can sometimes be pretty cool. Usually they're not. But sometimes there are a few cool guys out there that i do think that are cool.

Never will be cool, never will try to be cool. In my perspective, you either are! or you aren't! Rather be the "go-to" guy. Be....
PAN THE MAN! lol, personal goal there. Become THE MAN!

August 15, 2007

A little emo!

"Hi there little emo! How are you doing today?"
"Hey... I wanna fuckin make myself bleed to feel more alive...!!"
"That's great..... don't cut too deep"
"But that's when everything gets awesome!!"

Feeling a little bit emotional? Everyone these days do it! It's an every day kinda thing for kids! Especially the ones around 14 to 16! THEY'RE EMO! But seriously! Kids these days have too much time. Too much time to think about life and too much drama! God DAMN DRAMA!

At the moment, I could be a little bit emo, but I'M NOT! (totally am~~) But that won't affect my professionalism outputism. I meanism, it's not gonna kill my day being a little sad! NEVER! I shall shun thyself and make thyself more emo and maybe cry a little on the inside. (my heart is bleeding~~ DUH! IT PUMPS BLOOD)

Being emo is over rated. It sux and it's boring. VERY UNATTRACTIVE!

August 13, 2007

<3 to <3

A little <3 to <3 conversation is required in life. At least once in a while, serious issues are discussed that are normally never even glanced upon in normal conversation. These heart to heart conversations usually involve deep and dark secrets and a lot of advice and life experiences.

As to why a little <3 2 <3 is important? Because someone else can hear about your troubles, share their own experiences and give advice about it. The load of holding it in becomes less of a burden.

As to who? Everyone is eligible for the job. Usually your best mates. Some might even consider your partner in life. It may seem a good idea, but sometimes there are things you need to shield your partner from, like THEMSELVES. Some things are suppose to be dealt with with an indirect route. In my experience, girls are much more eligible than guys. For a few guys to gather and talk about their feelings is.... considered "un-manly" by modern society at the moment. But it's more or less declining. So men! get ready to open yourselves up to other men! (hehehhe)

Everyone needs a <3 2 <3 person they can talk to. If you don't, you should start putting more faith into your friends. Tell them more about yourselves. Those who reject you are not your true friends.

August 12, 2007

Thriller!!! and Sharpen your blades

It's a thriller!!! The roller coaster we go through in life. But today! I've ridden a coaster so awesome, I smile even when I'm depressed. It's soooooo awesome that I feel like i'm on prozac (not that i'd know).

It's like the first time you plant your lips on someone else's. The feeling of two lips conjoined I believe to be better than sex! Well... First kiss vs first sexual encounter... I'd say the kiss was a lot more impressive.

I think i'm gonna be so high for the next month! OH RIGHT.

On other news.
Never go into a knife fight without sharpening your blade first. It's an analogy that I've made up for your to ponder on. A dull blade can't last very long in a fierce knife slashing contest. Slashing will also be a problem as a dull blade does not cut. Analogy requires you to read between the lines and what is true and what is not. A war we must all partake in sometime in life.

August 10, 2007


Got pain? I sure do... in my chest...? And.... in my pants!! Well... ever tried those rub on cream things that relieve pain? Yea. THOSE!!!! Once i got some on my balls!!! IT BURNT LIKE CA CA CA CA CA CARRRRRRRAZY!!!!!

Cock and ball torture... it's the way to go boys. IT'S THE WAY TO GO. Not too sure about what to do with women though... probably a trauma by rape? *shudder* unwanted entry.

On lighter news. Boy claims he sees stupid people, and they don't even know that they're stupid.Well... that's enough news for today. Relief is found right here!! At my page of wisdom!!! EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO ME MORE!

August 8, 2007

Rawf Wraf!

It's my new internet catch phrase. It emphasis randomness, beast-like-ness, and Wraf-ness. Which makes sense if you think about it for a while. Just when you start to say towards the "no it doesn't" It'll make sense.

Rawf Wraf!! Like a angry bird. Pronounced in a very strange way. Both words look different, but as you try to say them, they're almost the same. To those of you who know of "Bob Loblaw" you'll know that it sounds like "bah blah blah" hilarious name. Imagine growing up. Hey Blah blah wanna go play soccer? (did you honestly think I could hurt a child's feelings - answer at the bottom)

Man it'll suck to have a funny name. Some in chinese are terrible, the surname "wo" means "has not (as in possession)" or alternatively "has none". Imagine the combinations of names you can come up with. If you aren't chinese speaking, I'll tell you this. Chinese has a lot of homonyms (words that sound the same but are different in meaning), which means a person can be named "Wo yuei jing". Directly translated. "Has no, Moon, Bright" Sounds alright... BUT!!! As a homonym it can read "has no period" (yes the woman thing).


August 7, 2007

Role playing

I know what you're thinking
"Ohh~~ put it in my ass master~~ you know I like it there~~" NO! not that type of role playing. I'm talking about.... role playing in terms of fantasy world role playing.

As I stepped out of the shower, I recalled someone asking me "Do you RP (role play)?" I responded with a no, because I don't. But what if I were to role play? What if you were to role play? What kind of character would you'n'I be? Personally I'd like to be an *puts on nerdy glasses and reads off his character sheet* Wizard with knowledge in elemental arts. Gee... sounds like some sorta DnD fan boy.

I'd like to be a Wizard who has training in elemental arts. That'll be fun. But that's not enough is it? noooooo!!! *says the gang of nerds sitting around me* "You need character background and storyline". Of course I'd come up with that too... I know how to RP foo!!! I'm teh masterz when it comes to character development! *hehe* I would be.... the young smart but impatient apprentice of a wizard who died during a mission. I'd be an orphan as well. My master and I met while I was young and was playing with basic elemental magic around the riverside. Something like that. Better than a fuckin level 13 PALADIN!!! I hate paladins.

August 6, 2007

to love is like...

We desire many things. We travel the world in hopes of finding something new - desire. We work at a boring job to support a family - desire. We play games in hopes of winning - desire. But most importantly, we desire love, companionship and happiness.

Ever try and explain love? Or even companionship? Hardest one is happiness I think. How do you explain the feeling of love? It's just so hard to describe it. How do you know if what you experienced is love at all if it couldn't be explained to you?

Here's my interpretation of how I perceive love to be:
The mere presence of them calms your nerves, a touch, like the heat of fire sending you skyward. A wordless whisper from them reads like an encrypted message of passion. You know what they mean by it. Complete, understanding.

August 5, 2007

Understanding the universe

Why is it on some movies/tv shows bring up the issue of "black and white", "right and wrong" and "good and evil"? Is it because we're all capable of both? Some more one sided than most. Understanding this, leads to understanding of everything, the universe.

The key here is of infinite size, it's the key of infinite understanding. Well... hell... what the hell does that mean? How can you try to understand something if you're suppose to already have understood it in the first place. A big fucking mobius strip. (Mobius strip is a band that is connected so that there appears to be two edges but there is only one.) Basically you will have to have understood it already therefore defeating the purpose of trying to understand it.

In other words, you already know it. You should know what is good and what is evil, you should know what is right and wrong. Those who ask the question can not know the answer. It's something you don't ask because you already know.

August 4, 2007

The art of conversation

After reading the Canta magazine from canterbury university. An interesting article inside it made me think about the modern society. It was the article regarding "Women 101" a compulsory class that people have to take. Either "Wom 101" or "Men 101" or something like that. Which brings me to the point of "The art of conversation". At least kids in primary school or highschool should learn this subject. That way, everyone will be adequate in talking to people in general.

No more awkward looks darting around the room. No more stuttering in front of the person you like. But rather a straight forward approach, "will you go out with me in the weekend?" And the opposition in this conversation should respond in kind, even if they are not interested, pretend at least. YA KNOW!!!?

There are other things that have been brought to my attention. This should replace social studies. SERIOUSLY, who really needs to learn about evil hitler? Unless you're taking history. Social studies =/= (does not equal) history. It's a study of society. What better way to learn about society than become a part of a working one?

There are too many people who have low EQ out there in the world. And what better place to improve EQ than an elementary school? Or even a high school. Why haven't people seen this already? are they this blind to a broken society?

Back in the old days, everyone knew each other in the neighbourhood. Now it's guns and bombs. And a whole lot of anti-social ness. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

August 1, 2007

Very first time

For those of you who have yet to experience sex (probably only a few now) I'll actually share some wisdom for a change. And for those who know what I'm talking about. Don't worry you're not the only ones

To love brings you close to hate. Once the love is broken, the backlash is hate. Then its back to a strange feeling of euphoria. Why.... why why? I'd like to think it's because of chemical reactions tricking your brain into thinking you truly love them. It's a terrible feeling to lose a loved one. Especially one you've been very intimate with. That sort of intimacy is the key to this undesirable effect. The crying, tears and the "what ifs" arise. Some have different reactions to the shock. Most just have a cry.

The problem really comes when they don't see the light anymore, what's the point without him/her, what have I got to live for now that he/she has left me. The light of a relationship grows dim, and more dim. Engulfed in darkness, sulking. Some take the easy way out of life. Death. Some take a more gradual curve - depression - then move on with their lives so so. But what's most important is you must remember, "the surroundings isn't getting darker, it's you who refuse to see the light."

Having breakup sex (all the time) doesn't exactly help with the problem, you're gonna dig yourself a terrible grave. *Tear x 100*
Staying in close contact but not sex is a bad thing also, everyone needs to go back and lick their wounds before entering the battlefield we call love. *Tear x 20*
Distance from him/her is a better choice than the two above. Stop doing stuff with them, it will tax you harder than you might think. Hang with friends. *Tear* After a few weeks - months, you should seek closure, it's often the best thing to do. Learn from the mistakes you've made. And part ways.

Later on, maybe after a few months still, if you still have some feelings, I guess it's natural, after all, he/she was your first.